Over the past few months my family has witnessed what it really means to belong to and be loved by a church. Our church is not just a place or a building - it is people, it is you. Our church is made up of all of the people that love us, support us, cherish us, and encourage us. This past weekend was the first time in a very long time that Hazel was well enough to attend our home congregation. During that service a letter I wrote was read allowed. On the same day, in several other congregations across two states, similar letters were also being read. We have never personally attended services at some of these churches, and yet we still consider them our church, THE church.My letter is below. It is addressed to our beloved church family, which includes all those reading these words today. Without you, we would be lost.
To Our Dearest Church Family,
I have struggled to write this letter, not because I do not know what to say, but because there is so much to say. How is my family to portray to you our thanks? How do we show you the level of love you have shown us as our hearts were stripped and laid bare through a fight with an invisible foe? How can we possibly show you how much we have been strengthened and emboldened by your kind words, phone calls, visits, donations, and most of all your prayers?
A simple letter and some written words do not seem in any way sufficient to communicate our gratitude to you for what we have felt from this church family over the past months. But as I sit writing this letter, I am reminded of the parallels I share with Paul as he wrote to the churches in Rome, Corinth, Galatia, and Ephesus. Paul was charged with a task larger than life, one that would shape the course of history and span centuries as he founded, encouraged, and strengthened churches throughout the world, often times solely through his written words. God used Paul’s words and his life experiences to unite Christians throughout time. Words are powerful, words are moving. Words allow us to connect this physical world to the emotional realm that only exists in our hearts and minds. And words can be used by our Savior Jesus Christ to change the world. It is my hope that from these words and through our story, God encourages you all today.
First and foremost, our God is the eternal healer, the Great Physician, the beginning and the end; our God is everything good in this world and the next. He protects us, provides for us, comforts us, and knows all things about us. God knew that one day Hazel would be faced with the horrible disease that is cancer. He knew she would begin her battle this year and only He knows when and how that battle will end. I take solace in the fact that our God is a merciful God and that he has a plan for our family and for Hazel. We trust his grace in the trials that we currently face and keep Him as a rock in our hearts as we continue moving forward on the path toward recovery.
Many of you know us and even more of you at this point have probably heard of us, but there are still some that may not see all that we post online, therefore I will provide a short update on Hazel’s progress thus far. At just two years old, Hazel has been diagnosed with Pre-B Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, which is just a fancy way of saying that she has cancer that affects how her bone marrow makes blood. We praise God every day that Hazel’s particular type of cancer is curable and while her fight is far from over, she has progressed through treatment exceptionally well. She is currently four months into a 2.5-year treatment program that is made up of several phases of chemo treatments with varying intensity. She has undergone several lumbar punctures, an 8-day hospital stay, ER visits, and countless drips of chemo thus far, yet remains as resolute as the day she was diagnosed. She is the strongest person I know on this earth, except for maybe her mother who has been there to hold her for every blood draw, every port access, every surgery, and every chemo delivery she has ever gotten.
Our days aren’t always bad, but they aren’t always good either. Sometimes Hazel doesn’t feel well or her white blood count is too low for us to go out and socialize very much. Other times she is just as boisterous and active as any other completely healthy two-year old and would rather run around outside than be stuck in the house all day. We have to pay special attention to keep her from getting sick as her immune system is often too compromised to fight off even the common cold, but in large part, we have been able to return to a fairly normal everyday routine. About once a week we travel to Columbus for her ongoing chemo treatments and once a month she has a procedure to insert chemo into her spinal fluid via a large needle. Most of her side effects at this point have been manageable, but we do keep an eye out for fevers, sores, or anything that may lead to infection as even the smallest cut could lead to another ER visit and more antibiotics.
Thus far Hazel has progressed exactly how the doctors say she should. She officially achieved remission and was free of all cancerous cells by the end of the first month, which is a very positive sign for her overall prognosis. Our hope is that she will continue to respond positively and be moved into the “Maintenance” phase of her treatment sometime around the end of the year.
Life with childhood cancer can be difficult. Upon Hazel’s initial diagnosis, Elizabeth and I were devastated; absolutely rocked to the foundation of our souls. We cried every day for weeks, not always because we were afraid of losing Hazel, but just because she had to go through all of this. We asked why it had to be her? Why not one of us – if only one of us – instead? She seemed so frail, so fragile as she laid in the hospital bed for that first week, receiving dose after dose of high-intensity drugs designed to help her body wage war on the infringing cancer cells. I have never in my life prayed with more intensity or more often. I found myself praying for even the smallest of victories, hoping to see just a glimpse of improvement each day, which turned into each week, and now each month.
But God knows the pain I and my family are going through. He hears our prayers, acknowledges our lament. I no longer cry every day, but it’s often. I don’t cry out of self-pity or sadness, I cry for what once was and is lost. I cry for my wife, I cry for our kids, I cry for our parents, I cry for Hazel. The pain of watching one of my own, so little, so helpless stuck in the fight of her life is at times unbearable. Much of Hazel’s childhood innocence will be lost in this battle. She will grow up knowing so much more of hospitals, doctors, surgeries, and sacrifice than any two-year old should ever have to. Her summer weeks have been spent traveling to a city we have come to know and a place we have learned to love, but there have been no beach vacations, no dancing in rainstorms, and making mud pies in the back yard.
Our mourning of Hazel’s situation often leads us to think of others who have been touched by cancer as well. During our visits to Columbus, we are surrounded by other families struggling with their own cancer journeys; so many people hurting, so many people struggling to make sense of everything they are going through. In our local community, there are those that have suffered so much longer than we have and still have much longer to go in their battle. Of course we also always think of our church families who have lost loved ones after years of long, hard fought battles with cancer. Many cases do not have a prognosis as positive as Hazel’s, and we are oft reminded that while we may be hurting, there are still others that have suffered even more than we have.
This is a terrible experience and not one that we would have ever wanted, but through our battle with childhood cancer we have come to appreciate some of what the situation has given back to our family as well. We are given infinite opportunities to see God at work in our lives. We have experienced a tremendous outpouring of love that is as overwhelming now as it was when this journey began. So many people have reached out to us that there is no way to thank everyone for what they have done. We are humbled and filled gratitude for all of the meals, cards, visits, signs, and support that you have provided. You have touched our lives in immeasurable ways and we have seen God’s work through your hands.
Our family is surrounded by a cloak of compassion that swallows up much of the sadness that could fill each day. We know that this is God’s presence surrounding us, protecting us, sheltering us in the storm. Too many times to count we have been teetering at a depressive precipice, ready to plunge forth into another dark valley when a kind word, card, or simple act of kindness has turned our day around. These acts of love are the breadcrumbs that string us along in our everyday walk and we will always and forever be in your debt for providing them.
Christ is at work in our life, now more than ever, and we recognize and cherish the opportunity that this provides our family. Hazel’s pain is temporary, our anguish fleeting. Our experiences now are forging us, strengthening our resolve. With every new challenge and every struggle, we adapt, we overcome, we thrive. Our time on this earth is but a moment in the eternal life that God offers us as Christians. Some parts of that moment are hard, and others are full of joy, but it is all a gift from God.
So as I close this letter, brethren, I urge you to take heart. Be strong, be courageous. Love passionately and guard your hearts against the evils of this world. Do not be downtrodden for our journey is not over, our battle is not lost. The forces of good continue marching forward at a steady beat, shielding those that need protection and strengthening those that are weak. Hazel’s walk with God has only just started, but I am excited to see where it takes her and us from here.
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” – Philippians 4:4-8
In Christian Love,
Nat & The Miller Family
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