A Letter from Dad

To My Kids: 

Today is Hazel’s birthday, a celebration of her presence on this earth, an anniversary of the day that we met the little firecracker that would forever change our life, for the fourth time. Our culture celebrates birthdays for a number of reasons, the least of which is often the fact that we simply “survived another year”, however this year, in our family, that reason more than any other seems extremely poignant. On this day that is meant for celebration and happiness, presents, family, laughter, and love, I am compelled to address this letter to all of the special children in my life. May my words impart some sort of guidance, some level of wisdom as you grow into the leaders of our tomorrow.

I reflect on my 34 years and cannot remember all of the details, but major events – births, deaths, triumphs, successes, surprises, and devastation – create the story of my life. Certain years have been better than others, but they are all my years, my memories. Some memories are filled with pain and I will look back on 2017 with vibrant, mixed emotions. Our family has witnessed incredible heartache, agony, fear, and a roller coaster of successes and setbacks in 2017. The journey from April 17^th to today has seemed long and arduous, but has passed in mere seconds. In these six months I have aged easily two years, the burden of worry and sorrow weighing heavy on my brow as we have fought the diabolical foe of childhood cancer. I have often seemed distracted, irritated, tired, unhappy, or simply beaten, but please understand that has nothing to do with you and how proud I am of each of you.

My beloved little ones, you mean everything to me. You are my entire world, my breath, the beat of my heart, the joy in my soul. All that I do is for you: the late nights and long days, the trips to far-away places, the pain, the anxiety, and the sadness I bear only so that your lives may be made easier. Since the day I met each of you, I knew that I was in the presence of greatness. God has touched each of your lives in numerous ways and I hope you spend the rest of your days walking with Him.

This year has been tough. It may seem that since Hazel’s diagnosis all of my focus has been on her, but please know I would do the same for any of you. I would at any second trade my life for each one of yours, without hesitation, without thought. I have often prayed those very words as I sat through every surgery, every infusion, and every doctor visit with Hazel. I prayed it as I sat in the room next to Gideon writhing in pain from appendicitis, and I would again pray it for each of any of you in pain. Being so young, you cannot understand the connection that I have with you, but I know you are aware of it. I see it in your eyes, feel it in your touch, hear it in your voice. You are more than part of me, you are all of me, everything good about me. You are the greatest thing I have ever done, you are my life’s work, and I marvel everyday because I know you are each so much better than I. I can’t wait to see what you do in this world and I feel privileged to be part of your lives.

I want you to know that I see you. You are all special to me and it is important that you understand some of the reasons why:

Paul, you were my first glorious glimpse into fatherhood. I was beyond excited, but scared, unsure, perhaps intimidated, but you calmed me. You showed me I had a greater purpose and I immediately fell in love with you. You are the most compassionate person I know. Your heart is so much bigger than mine and you have such empathy for those around you. People are drawn to you and will follow you because they trust you and know you are a man of character. Your grin is infectious and can turn the toughest situation into a bearable one. You are always concerned about Hazel and you two have such an incredible connection. She comes to you for protection, love, and guidance. You comfort her always and I have no fear that some day when I am gone, you will live on as her champion.

Gideon, you are strong and rational. You are confident in your decisions and are not afraid to stand up for your opinion. You buck the norm and unabashedly present facts to support your point of view. You are also loyal and love fiercely. Your friends hold you in confidence as someone they can trust and who will be there for them no matter what. You are intuitive and constantly think of practical things to help Hazel stay safe and healthy. The week after Hazel was diagnosed with cancer you presented to your class so that they would understand what your little sister was going through and how you were going to keep her safe. Hazel looks to you for help in many ways and you are so  tender and gentle with her. You have shown her what it means to be brave and I am assured that your relationship will only grow stronger as time passes.

Aurora, you are Hazel’s best friend, now and always. You are bubbly, fun, vibrant, and gorgeous. You stole my heart from the first time our eyes connected. Even today I fear if I stare into your deep brown eyes for too long I will be swallowed up by their grandeur. You are confident and have an amazing wonder for life that constantly brings joy to others. You explore and experience our world in new, exciting ways that makes the mundane seem spectacular. Hazel looks up to you and mimics all you do. You have taught her that all situations can have a silver lining. You will forever be Hazel’s teacher and a close confidant that shrouds her in love.

No one could have prepared your mom and I for dealing with cancer, nor could we have imagined that some of the most difficult situations aren’t even in a hospital. They are the intangibles, the collateral damage of dealing with a life-threatening disease that is all consuming, touching every aspect of life. Your lives have been touched by so many, but none so much as your cousins. We have spent much of this year “quarantined” from the cousins for one reason or another, all cancer-related. We have shed many tears over decisions that we have had to make this year, including missing birthdays, family events, and experiences with the ones that have always been so close to us. I have a few words for your cousins during this time of reflection as well.

Kip, you were my kids’ first friend. You are so smart and loving and kind. You yearn to be with my children and some of their fondest memories have been spent running around the Big House escaping “The Monster” with you. You all have grown up together, experienced life together, and continue to learn from one another. You taught all of my kids a sense of community, and I will never forget that. Upon Hazel’s diagnosis you were worried, concerned for her and for your other cousins. The first time you saw Hazel after she got sick was hard, but it had no bearing on your love for her. You have remained an important part of her life and have helped instill some normalcy to an otherwise abnormal time.

Grace, I worry as much about you as I do my own children. You are curious and stubborn, but love to have fun. Your nose crinkles when you smile and your eyes tell of a far greater intelligence than any of us can possibly know. You love my kids, ache to be with them, if only in proximity because you share a common bond. You and Hazel are closest in age and she could not wait until you could walk so that you could explore the world together. When you two visit, the air is filled with eruptions of giggles and squeals, laughter and the pitter-patter of adorable little feet. I know you don’t understand what Hazel is going through right now and that is for the best. You take Hazel’s mind off of the struggles of her everyday life and allow her to be a kid again. She loves you and always will.

Sam, you are boisterous, infectiously happy, and fearless. You are the luckiest of us all. You will grow up not even remembering that Hazel experienced cancer, save for some photos, my writings, and stories that your family tells you over the years. Hazel loves you and has always called you Baby Samuel. She has gotten to be your protector, caring for you as her own precious package of excitement. Your eyes light up when you play with Hazel. You were a gift to her, the opportunity to be older and to teach someone things that SHE has learned about this world. She is your mother hen. I pray that all of your memories with Hazel will be happy ones and that someday, your kids and hers will play together as you two do now.

Hazel, finally my dearest I am to you. Someday all that will be left of your cancer will be scars. Scars can be ugly and they can be painful, but they tell a story. Your scars will be a tapestry of triumph, a tale of love that is woven throughout generations. Your scars will be nothing but shadows of the healing grace of God and the strength of human nature. You are now and have always been beautiful. You are focused and unwavering in the face of adversity. You are strong…so much stronger than I. I admire you and you lead me in reverence during every day of this journey. I am so unbelievably sorry that I cannot protect you from this, but I am doing my best to get you through it. I would do absolutely anything to take your place. I am sorry that you hurt, I am sorry you miss out on life right now, and I am sorry you have cancer. I love you and I promise to never leave your side.

The reach of cancer is inescapable, it is perpetual, it is everywhere. Just within our family, Hazel’s cancer will have a presence in nearly a dozen children’s lives before the age of 10. Some of you will see it first hand, others will hear stories and see pictures, but you will all have more experience with cancer than I did as a kid. That seems sad and unfair, but perhaps some good can come from it. I hope Hazel’s story will give you strength. Maybe her scars will teach you how to heal and maybe her struggle will teach you to be strong. I do not know what the future holds, but I believe in you, my kids.

I still hate cancer, but I love you all deeply and love will overcome.

Happy Birthday Hazel, just one of many.

All My Love,

Dad

“Love…always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” – 1 Cor. 13:6-7, 13